non posso fermare pensare di lei... i can't stop thinking about her

*** Please note: Names have been changed.***

So Ragazzo* and I have been dating near of nine weeks. All seems cool in paradise to the naked eye. It started with a late night conversation where I realized that there was nothing left to talk about. There was silence on the other end of the line… dead silence… no television running in the background, no music blaring in our ears… just silence. We stayed that way for near of ten minutes. There were thoughts in my head that I never knew could exist in such an empty chamber or a parallel universe. Searching long and hard for the hidden meaning behind the perturbed thoughts and desires for freedom. I met Pandrona*. Pandrona, a simple girl living in such a complicated world… a world that resembled my own. She was having the same conflict with her Girlfriend as I was with my boyfriend. The loss of interest made us lean on each other. And then one stark afternoon we were intrigued by each other on instant messenger. We would talk for hours and hours on end. A few conversations later… I realized how much I was intrigued by her… how much I liked her… how much most of the stuff I said revolved around her. I was in the same predicament as I was in when I was dating Jon. I was crushing while dating a guy worthy of so much better. It seems weird how it works. The feelings about things I never imagined having… the perturbed thoughts that I never wanted to be displayed in the middle of an intelligent conversation. I cannot help but wonder if I am being tested on the mutilation of my heart… the wounds that are once again deepened as I progress onward in the game called life. I remember the last chick I was ever in love with.. the feelings of love… followed by hatred and heartbreak… and it makes me wonder why I dare try another relationship with the definite possibility of all these feelings that leave me breathless at the end of my time. I always fall for those you would never see me with… those people that you know I would never be attracted to… the one’s that hang out in different groups in the school… the ones that speak a different language, have a different style. I have never fallen for someone who makes me weak in the knees with just a glance.. I fall for those who leave my mouth watering after just one conversation… makes my mind wonder with just one look.

I don’t know what to do, Should I end a nine week relationship or should I progress onto a relationship that is bound to happiness? Should I hang myself with someone who doesn’t say a word to me.. or should I tear myself away and date someone who intrigues and inspires me? Should I let myself believe that nothing good will ever come from my decision of dread and hostility?

As Marilyn Manson says: “… I have mood poisoning, it must be something I hate…”